Livin’ life with no sense of time

I think my most overused expression is, “Life is funny sometimes.” And that’s because it truly is. I wish more people realized life is one big joke and if you fuck up a bit, oh well. Shit happens. And truthfully, I wish I realized this sooner. I naturally have anxiety out the ass and was born a paranoid worry-wart. Yet at the same time I say “fuck this shit,” and “YOLO” (mind you, in a rather sarcastic undertone) quite a bit. But sarcastic or not, I mean it. I’m the queen of fuckups and I acknoweldge that, but who the hell cares. I’m not even 20 yet, I’m not supposed to be perfect. So I guess I have this contrast within myself to always flip my lid but push it off as no big deal an hour or so later. It’s a pretty big contradiction, but I never promised to have my shit together so young. I think I get sad so easily sometimes because I used to be a perfectionist and have always had this crazy drive to be rich and continue on being perfect. I grew up in poverty and truthfully the thought that I may very well die that way makes me want to shit my pants. It is what it is though. I’m stuck right now but I’m happily stuck I suppose. I work a dead end job and it blows and causes endless migrains, and don’t even get me started on college. But how am I supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life when I don’t even know who I am? I wish money was easier to come by. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could just say, “fuck you, bitches” and hop in your car and head West? Without any worries of gas or your next meal. If I had an ounce of talent I could sell paintings on the sidewalk or strum a few chords for a beer. That would be the life but like I said, I’m talentless and it’s not my life. So until them I’m stranded in Delco, typing away on a keyboard all day, taking two classes a semester at community college, and dirt poor. Woohoo. Believe it or not, this isn’t me complaining. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a year now and I’ve fought my demons. I butchered those bitches like nobody’s business. That being said, I’m not some life enthusiast. I wound’t say life sucks and I want to off myself, but if hypothetically speaking, I died tomorrow… well okay I’m dead. Life isn’t permeant. And that’s why mistakes are whateva. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. I guess I’m saying if you have no sense of direction just yet, don’t beat yourself up over it. Life isn’t a race